Ain't No Sunshine
Well hello there. It has been far too long since I wrote some words down to share. I'm sorry. I don't have anyone anxiously waiting for new posts, so really, the only person I am saying sorry to is myself. I'm not only sorry for not writing for an entire year, but I am also sorry for the self-abandonment and neglect I was forced to see when I caught sight of myself in the mirror during this past year. I started this blog to be a bit of a creative and therapeutic outlet for me because I have always found writing to be just that, a way to put my words down on paper and release whatever it was that I needed to get out. It has been a way to set myself free of my emotions; my own version of unpacking the shit and moving forward without it weighing me down.
I have been moving forward for years. Since before the very beginning of this blog in fact. I started "Red Lips, Mom Hips" when I was a newly single Mom of two little girls. My marriage had ended a few months earlier and I was trying to navigate this new life I was living. Just before I launched my Blog, I came across a quote that really resonated with me. It was spoken by the beautiful Marilyn Monroe.
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Ok, if I am being totally honest, this quote didn't just resonate with me. It screamed at me. It is still screaming at me almost eight years later. And to be just a little more honest, it scares me that this is still my life only now I am that much older and not that much wiser so it seems.
So why the heavy post? I actually had all the plans to write a couple light and fluffy pieces to help me get back into the swing of blogging. Some cute little posts that would be fun for you to read, maybe inspire you to organize a space in your house or share with you some cool thrift finds that I got way too excited about. And sure, those are coming, I promise! But then I realized that all I wanted to do was to bid farewell to 2025 and write my one and only post for the year, as a literal unpacking of the shit, so that I could put it behind me and leave it in 2025. The Year of the Snake has me shedding this skin and slithering on through to 2026 without the dead skin.
A few months ago, I said goodbye to the person I thought was my forever. I loved him enough to be happy if he turned out to in fact be my forever. There were of course moments when I look back now, I realize that I knew it was wrong months before the break-up actually happened. There were slight changes I felt in my gut and unmistakable feelings of disconnect. I was being disrespected, unappreciated and not prioritized by the person who was supposed to love me and I was putting those feelings in the back of my mind because I LOVED HIM and I didn't want to be without him. This is a lot of that self-abandonment I was talking about earlier. There were also lots of "I love yous" spoken to me and glimmers of happiness and laughter and love and intimacy. So of course my nervous system and heart was confused and just a mess. Deep down, I knew what the truth was. I just wasn't willing to face it. I was perfectly willing to stay in the wrong relationship because I wasn't at all ready to grieve the loss of it. I wasn't ready to accept that I was no longer a part of a "we". I definitely wasn't ready to admit that everything I did to make the relationship work, didn't work, and accept the defeat and loss of it. Most of all, I didn't want to feel the feeling that I have been feeling for months now, since even before the break-up. That I am just not worth loving.
I am not some broken woman who was in a relationship with someone who treated her poorly the entire time. That is not at all the relationship I was in actually. I was with someone who was my best friend. I loved looking at his face when I made him laugh. I loved hearing my phone ring and seeing his picture pop up on my screen. He made up these ridiculous nicknames for me that I would shake my head at and roll my eyes when he called me them, but I secretly loved all of those stupid nicknames he gave me. He took me on so many adventures and road trips and yet my favourite moments with him were the quiet ones we spent together at his house. Even in typing this out, tears are rolling down my face, because I am reminded that there were amazing times that we shared and now I have to move on knowing that there is no future with him and no more memories to be made. I feel relief mostly because the knot in my stomach is gone. That knot that I felt for months during our relationship because I knew I was fighting to save something that was not salvagable. But the feeling of relief does not negate my sadness. Some days I feel like I am grieving the death of a person who is still very much alive and breathing. I could get in my car and be face to face with him in an hour. But it wouldn't be like it used to be. Instead of being with my lover and best friend, the person I could tell literally anything to and whose face was one I had once loved looking at, I would feel like I was sitting across from a stranger, and maybe not even recognize his face anymore and I would likely struggle to even say words that made any sense.
Now, without him, there is no more feeling like I don't matter. There is no more being at the bottom of his list of priorities, below not only his kid (which I was ok with) but also his work, his golf and snowmobile schedule, his drinking habits, his morning routine, his men's days at the ski club, his friends and acquaintances he barely knew. I used to tell him that my kids, him and his son were my top priorities, so why did I fall under all that other stuff that seemed way less important than I should have been? He never seemed to have an answer for me.
So no...I am not some broken woman. But he most certainly is a broken man. He is unable to see himself as someone who deserves to be loved and therefore he was unable to accept being loved. On the night we broke up, he told me that he will tell any guy I date in the future that I was a ten out of ten girlfriend. I remember finding some humour in this because, well, first of all, I am not going to be sending any new guys to my ex-boyfriend for a reference, even if it is a glowing ten out of ten recommendation. But what I really found funny was that he recognized me for who I was and he saw and felt the effort and genuine love that I was giving to him and he was still ok with letting me go. He was ok to lose me. As I said before, I was just not worth loving. And the person that I loved thought so too. 💔
As stupid as I may have been for staying, I am ok with being stupid. I'm ok with it because it just means that I am capable of giving that kind of love to someone. And if I am able to love someone that much who treated me like that, imagine how much I will be able to love someone who finally treats me the way I deserve to be treated? What I am writing is in no way to paint my ex in a bad way either. He is a wonderful human being, obviously dealing with his own issues of avoidance and inability to see that he is worthy of love. But his issues are no longer mine. His issues are not mine to solve or fix. They never were, as much as I thought I could. I was talking to a friend recently and I said that I imagined him as a beautiful vase that I was very attached to and in love with. It held extreme sentimental value to me. The kind of sentimental value something holds if it was given to me by my grandmother. And one day, this vase falls off the counter and shatters. There is no way to fix it. I can't pick up the broken glass and add some crazy glue and put it back together. In the moment, I am heartbroken and sad. I may even cry as I pick up the sharp pieces and throw them away because I know that there is no fixing this beautiful vase that I love so much. He is the vase. I can not repair him.
In my attempt to fix him, yes, I abandoned myself for a time. But I eventually recognized my value and walked away. I began to repair myself. I will be the beautiful vase that sits on my counter now. And it was not easy walk out of his house and shut the door, knowing that I was never going to set foot in that house again. I am now miles into the journey of moving forward and I still have my days where the tears just show up in the corner of my eyes and sneak down my cheeks. But I have way more days filled with hope and laughing with my kids and puttering around my house and picking up my guitar and singing again.
Love may find its way to me again. And to that guy, whoever he is, gosh, I hope you recognize how lucky you are to have found someone who has the heart that I have. This heart that has been broken, trampled on, stomped on, cheated on, pierced, stabbed and pieced back together with some tape and glue. This heart is still kind and it still works and it still has a lot of love to give to you. You lucky guy.
Brooke
Comments
Writing an "About Me" is not easy. How do I pick and choose the pieces of my life that molded me into the person I am or deem the milestones and memories as important enough to tell you about in this little "About Me"...Well, I often joke that I have Read more about me...
-- Ashley
Most people hide behind their words if ever spoken.
The spiritual world is waiting to give you the very best you deserve but it takes awhile to find that person that matches your inspirational energy.
My 90 year old father says it perfectly. THIS TOO SHALL PASS!!
Sending much love and wishing you all the best this world has to offer. You have already been given 4. You and your beautiful children. 💖💖💖💖💖💖
Linda
-- Linda Purdy
-- Glo