My Favourite What If
Right now I should be counting the weeks in pieces of fruit and comparing the size of my growing baby to a plum or an avocado or a papaya. Instead my weeks are measured by my weekly blood draws to test my HCG levels and hoping for a decline in my numbers. And my baby is not there anymore. My thoughts are not consumed by the baby supplies we need to buy or the theme to decorate the nursery in. The fun photo idea I had for our family to announce the pregnancy is now just that...an idea. My thoughts are missing this baby I will never get to hold and the scary threat that this pregnancy could actually give me cancer.
I was so excited to see those little pink lines. I had thought I was done having babies, but then I found myself in an amazing relationship and started to get total baby fever. We really wanted a baby together. Pretty much as soon as we started trying, I found myself staring at that positive pregnancy test. I booked an appointment at the medical clinic and during that appointment, the nurse practitioner gave me the timeline of upcoming dates, ultrasounds and any testing to be done. She mentioned the term "viable pregnancy" at one point and I remember feeling like I was punched in the stomach when I heard those words. It hadn't crossed my mind that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage and that I could be that one in four. I had two very healthy and relatively easy pregnancies before this one, so I was anticipating nothing but smooth sailing. My ten week ultrasound was booked for the following week and I was so excited to see my little one on that screen and to share that experience with Will.
Ultrasound day came and the tech got started with the familiar feel of that cold gel on my tummy. After a few quiet minutes of what I thought was just a routine ultrasound, she said to me that she wasn't seeing what she was supposed to be seeing and asked if we could do a vaginal ultrasound as well. That ultrasound did not give many more details. She said she still was not seeing what she was supposed to see. My heart sank. That didn't sound like good news to me. I asked for more details and she told me that she is not a doctor and can't tell me any results, but she suggested going to the Emergency Room and and telling them that I just had an ultrasound and I wanted to get my results right away.
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A few hours later we were being told by the doctor that there was no heartbeat and that the ultrasound was showing that the fetus had stopped growing a couple weeks earlier. My options were to naturally let my body expel it, or to take a pill to speed that process up a bit or to book a D&C. I was having a lot of trouble comprehending the fact that none of these options left me still pregnant with a perfect and healthy baby growing inside me. I looked at Will, who looked sad and helpless and I started to cry. I wasn't ready to give up on my baby. Maybe my dates were wrong and the pregnancy wasn't as far along as I thought it was. Maybe that's why it was measuring tiny and there wasn't a heartbeat yet. Those don't show for several weeks into a pregnancy so maybe I was just not far enough along yet. I babbled all of those options to the ER Doctor and he looked at Will with a sadness but look of assurance in his eyes, as if to say "she is not getting it...." He was right. I wasn't getting it. No. I can't give up. I asked for another ultrasound and he agreed to give me another one in a few days. This was more to appease me than anything else. A few days later, it was the same thing all over again. The technician did both the abdominal and vaginal ultrasound. I was again sent to the ER to have a doctor read the report right away. A different doctor came to see me with pretty much the same news I had heard a few days earlier. Baby looked to have stopped growing around 8 weeks and because it has not come out on its own already, she suggested that the best option would be a D&C. The surgery was scheduled for just a couple days later and I will write a blog post about that experience and the exhausting and emotional days that followed.
Weeks earlier we had shared the happy news of our pregnancy with our family and close friends. We told my girls that they were going to be big sisters. Everyone was so excited, especially my girls. And now this was the devestating news we had to share. In this moment, I understood why people tended to keep the first trimester pregnancy news to themselves. However, these were the people I leaned on for support after we lost our baby and I would have felt extremely alone if I did not have that love from them this past few weeks. I am still leaning on them as I deal with the 1 in 1000 statistic that I became a part after being diagnosed with a rare pregnancy condition that I had never even heard of before, also to be shared in another blog post. This post is already pretty heavy as it is.
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This journey is far from over and I honestly don't know what the future holds for us. I know what I would love to happen but I am just faced with a bunch of question marks and what ifs. I know that our baby is my favourite what if. And that one day we will meet again. I am hoping we all get to enjoy a rainbow at the end of all this rain.
Brooke
Comments
Writing an "About Me" is not easy. How do I pick and choose the pieces of my life that molded me into the person I am or deem the milestones and memories as important enough to tell you about in this little "About Me"...Well, I often joke that I have Read more about me...
Much love
-- Sarah Johns
I am deeply sorry for your loss. It's a hard thing to go through. I myself have gone through it, more than once actually. It's a good idea to get yourself and your partner tested to see what the issue might be. I do not want to upset you at all, but it very well could be an issue that one of you may have. Possibly with ovaries or sperm.
For me the issue was mutated sperm, not saying it is the same as for you, it was just helpful to find out that it wasnt my issue and that my health was not going to be effected because of the miscarriages. Some people unfortunately can never be biological parents. There are other alternatives if that is the case. Which I am sure you know that. I suggest you do not try again until you know what the issue is, as more miscarriages could be in your future which could potentially effect your health. Your children need a healthy and happy mom. Dont let anyone take that from them. Stay strong and smart Brooke. From one woman to another.
-- Jess
-- Kathy
Don’t let this experience discourage you. Embrace the loss knowing your little one is surrounded by love where they are. Grandma B was waiting with open arms. Take the time you need to heal and know many are thinking and praying for you. I’m not far away if you need a shoulder.
Hugs. ❤️
-- Tanya Reay
Thinking of you and your family and your little “what if”
💛Anne Schuessler
-- Anne Schuessler
I'm so grateful for my healthy baby today and wishing for a rainbow for you ❤ and healing for everyone either way.
-- Angela
My heart aches for all of you. You will meet this baby one day and you will know the story of what if!
There will be a rainbow I am sure.
Sending you healing positive energy!
Glenda
-- Glenda Weaver