Be Scared...Do it Anyway.
I was scrolling through a friend's Instagram a few days ago and he had posted a poem that caught my attention. I skimmed through the poem and then I stopped the background noise and gave full attention to the words I was reading and read it again. Here is the poem and thank you P for sharing it. It spoke to me more than you possibly could have known it would.
I felt each and every line in this poem. I am feeling each and every line right now. There have been so many days recently that I have felt like giving up. There have been days when I continue to place one foot in front of the other and get out of bed, care for my girls, go to work, smile at my customers and wish them good morning. At the end of those days when I am tired and go to bed, I wonder "how did I do that today?" My soul is weary and tired.
Depression. Not the kind of depression where I have gone to the doctor and been prescribed any medication. That may be a step if I don't start feeling better soon. I am fairly certain that my sadness has come from the recent changes in my life and my complete and utter lack of knowing how to handle them. I can't even say that it is all stemming from the break up of my marriage. My negative image of myself comes from years and years of never thinking I was good enough or pretty enough or skinny enough. It comes from settling in relationships and going back through years of memories....to my teen years when my high school boyfriend showed up late to pick me up for my prom with a crushed corsage that got stepped on in the car on the drive. He didn't care enough about me to show up on time and to present me with a beautiful and cared for flower. Memories of every other guy I dated come flooding to me and they all come down to one thing. I settled for far less than what I deserved. And I settled because I didn't think I was worthy of being treated any better. This is still haunting me today as I wait for a reply to a text I sent to a stupid boy who clearly is not writing me back.
Finding out that my relationship with my ex-husband was entirely based on lies and cheating is really the biggest disappointment I have faced, but it is not my most recent. Nor will it be my last disappointment with men. It certainly wasn't my first. I recently asked a guy out for coffee and he all but laughed at me as he quickly said "no". My face got hot and my insides felt like they were going to explode. I felt like an idiot and that I had completely misread the signs that he was interested in me. But you know what? I was being brave and I put myself out there. It was brave to ask and he was a total blind idiot to say no! But his quick response saved me so much time in wondering and what he really gave me was a gift. He gave me the gift of being able to never give him a second thought and waste another moment of my precious life thinking about him! I know the person I am. I know the kind, funny, sweet, give you the shirt off my back person I am. And I know what kind of relationship I deserve and dear God, I hope that I have the confidence to wait for it!
I am not in a great frame of mind as I write this. I feel very alone. This quote from Frida Kahlo though....Wow. "At the end of the day, we can endure much more than we think we can." My question is.....When does the day end? And why must we endure so much? When will I look in the mirror and see someone amazing staring back at me? I am well aware of how others see me because they tell me! When will I start to believe them? I know this dark place is temporary. I know that I have been blessed to be the Mom of two amazing girls and that I have friends and family that love me and a great place to live. I know all that! I have received messages from women telling me how much sharing my story has helped them. I guess I just want it to be known that it is not always easy. People make life look perfect on social media but it isn't perfect. I wake up every single day and second guess whether the decision to end my relationship was the right one. I wonder if the difficulties that now come with being a single woman are worth the freedom of no longer being shackled by the worlds smallest handcuffs (aka my wedding ring!)
So many questions in this post. No answers...other than to just re-read the poem at the top and to perhaps write my own stanza to go along with it.
I think it's brave that you
share the true sadness you're feeling
and that you own it and carry on your day.
I think it's brave that you
are working at learning to love yourself
I think it's brave you are lighting the way.
-- J King
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